In his August 27th post, esteemed New York Rangers’ blogger, The Hockey Rodent, made some distressingly dire prognostications regarding the expectations of Scott Gomez and Chris Drury for the coming season.

Once again, let it be said by the Iceman that the Rodent more than knows his stuff, offers unique and original statistics and forecasts not found anywhere else, and is an entertaining and thought-provoking read. And as concerns any sports media firing up neuronal activity - especially outlets and persons covering hockey - there’s not many sites, shows, journalists, publications, color commentators or bloggers about which you’d easily make that declaration. Are you listening Bill Clement?

Actually, Brett Hull, when he was featured on NBC, did fire up brain activity in the right hemisphere of the cerebrum in a region which caused many viewers to spontaneously exclaim, “WTF did he just say?!” every time Hull opened his mouth.

Getting back to the Rodent’s predictions for Gomez and Drury…

After marshaling impressive ad-hoc stats regarding the failure of unrestricted free agents to perform at levels equal to or exceeding their offensive output with their former clubs, including several former Rangers, here is what the Rodent had to say about the expectations regarding Gomez and Drury.

“All I’m saying is that there is sufficient precedent for Ranger fans to consider the possibility that either (or both) of these UFAs will be a bust by Thanksgiving. And it may not even be the result of complacency. Indeed, there is enormous pressure upon the pair to deliver goods commensurate with their take-home.”

The Iceman, for one, does consider the possibility that either or both of these pivots will not immediately make marquee contributions consistent with their reputation, former jerseys or pay stubs. But that’s where it ends - in possibility.

The reality is that both Gomez and Drury have been big game contributors unfazed by playoff pressure or transitory regular season scoring droughts their entire career. The probability - which Rodent puts at only 50-50 - is that Gomez and Drury will continue to step up and perform at, or beyond, expected levels, even as they wear the blue shirt away from and on Garden ice.

That’s why Slather went out and got them, Rodent. Gomez and Drury are the dominant closers, or “Mariano Riveras,” which Jagr, in an interview last season, so astutely recognized that the Rangers need to take their game to the next level and bring Stanley home to momz.

As for Rodent’s valid question of on-ice, on-line, chemistry, Coach Renney has never hesitated or failed to shuffle lines, combinations or assignments when necessary. That’s the insurance the team enjoys at the top of the workflow. The deep squad of character players, young gun aspirants and other forwards who know where the net is located, are the core provisions this Ranger team will carry into the new season.

In a recent post, the Iceman shared his general disappointment with the way the NHL is marketed, advertised and broadcast, a general WTF?! shared by an overwhelming majority of discerning aficionados who care deeply about the game.

Well, it appears Gary Bettman, NHL commissioner, must have had his ear to the ground, or in the ice shavings that collect along the boards, as evidenced by the story below.

NHL Signs Broadcast Deal With Food Network

NEW YORK—Flanked by Food Network president Brooke Johnson and cooking-show host Rachael Ray, Commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that the NHL has opted out of its contract with the Versus cable channel (formerly the Outdoor Life Network) and has reached a long-term broadcasting deal with the Food Network starting in the 2007-08 season.

“In all my years as commissioner, I have learned that our diverse group of fans and players all enjoy food of some sort. Italian, French, barbecue, quick-and-easy 30-minute meals—you name it, one or more of them eat it,” said Bettman, adding that Iron Chef French host Hiroyuki Sakai will join play-by-play announcer Mike “Doc” Emrick and analyst Brian Engblom to form a new lead announcing team for all Food Network games. “This partnership has been a long time coming. If the Food Network would have been around in 1991, we would have left ESPN in a heartbeat.”

“It’s great to know we will be on television next year,” Bettman added, smiling as the NHL’s new studio team, consisting of Rachael Ray as head hockey anchor and Bill Clement as game analyst, collaborated in an attempt to equate the offsides penalty to “zesting up” a pan-seared T-bone steak. “Thanks, Food Network.”

Though Bettman maintained that the Food Network was always the league’s first choice, sources close to the commissioner confirmed that the NHL also considered broadcasting games on E!, the Golf Channel, and Cartoon Network before eventually deciding to go with the network offering the best combination of financial incentives and airtime.

“We also thought the lead-in programs on Versus, especially those that focused on bull-riding, bass fishing, and violent contact sports, were not entirely compatible with the image of the league,” Bettman said. “Now, hockey games will follow Emeril Live, Feasting On Asphalt, and The Hungry Detective, which, as you can plainly see, are a better fit. Also, we are paying the Food Network much less money to broadcast our games.”

According to terms of the deal, the Food Network will schedule broadcasts of over 50 full-length hockey games and will carry both the Eastern and Western Conference Semi-Finals, as well as Games 4 through 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. The only exception, Bettman said, would be made for Rachael Ray, who appears on television roughly three times more than the NHL. In the case of Ray experiencing a scheduling conflict, hockey games will be postponed and rescheduled at Ray’s convenience.

“We liked the idea of having hockey because it has two halftimes,” said Food Network president Johnson, adding that the first game on the channel will feature the ceremonial dropping of an inaugural homemade Italian meatball at center ice by honorary referee Mario Batali. “Our debut coverage will include a halftime show hosted by Giada De Laurentiis, who will recap the game’s events while guiding you through the preparation of Sicilian penne with swordfish and eggplant. Or, if you are in the mood for something more immediate, on-ice reporter Paula Deen will spend timeouts showing you certain tactics to enhance the flavor of your traditional southwestern dip.”

Though she stated that she didn’t want to give anything away, Johnson said that the network’s first hockey-related profile will focus on Sidney Crosby eating veal and creamed spinach prepared by Roker On The Road host Al Roker. Other hockey players now contractually obligated to make appearances on shows include Chris Drury on Food 911, Martin Brodeur on Calorie Commando, and Alexander Ovechkin on Dinner: Impossible.

The new broadcasting deal has some sportswriters saying the move will make hockey even more irrelevant, while others believe this is a clear step up for the league.

“I watch the Food Network far more than I watch hockey, and I think most sports fans feel the same way,” said Boston Globe sports columnist Bob Ryan. “My favorite program is Food Nation With Bobby Flay. So I’ll definitely watch that, and then maybe stick around to watch part of a period if the Bruins are playing. Everybody wins here.”

(courtesy of Onion Sports: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nhl_signs_broadcast_deal_with_food)

The Iceman appreciates the feedback from readers, including one Defensive Bartender, aka Chris at Maker’s, whose recent comment is excerpted here…Cheers, Chris!

Why Hockey Is Better Than…

Why the NHL is better than the MLB

1. There is less steroid use in the NHL.
2. A baseball game has ten total minutes of action in three-to-four hours.
3. Fighting in baseball leads to suspensions - fighting in hockey is a five-minute penalty.

Why the NHL is better than the NBA
1. Who would you trust with making use of your money, the gangsta stereotype or the Canadian stereotype?
2. Hockey fights usually stay on the playing surface.
3. In the NBA, one extra foot on the floor was given a one-game suspension. In the NHL, that’s a two-minute penalty.

Why the NHL is better than the NFL
1. If you don’t support a Canadian team, odds are you won’t need to wait 30 years or even 30 weeks for season tickets…
2. Teams play between 16 to 20 games in the NFL. In the NHL, teams play between 82 to 110 games.
3. The play doesn’t stop every 10 seconds.

Why the NHL is better than NASCAR
1. In the NHL, skating laps around the ice for seemingly no purpose is a warmup. In NASCAR, that’s the event.
2. NASCAR has speed limits, believe it or not. But, it’s pretty hard to limit shot and skating speed…
3. I’ve yet to see a NASCAR race on ice…

Why the NHL is better than the MLS, but not certain Soccer Moms
1. Most teams have more top-tier players then the entire league.
2. The NHL doesn’t have teams named after consumer products (…anymore)
3. For every injury in the NHL, there is 30 faked injuries in any pro soccer league.

A Little Lower, Please…

With training camps approximately six weeks away, it also means we’re approximately two months out from the launch of the NHL’s new television ad campaign. And if the Stanley Cup winners from the last two years are any indication, and here I’m not referencing the Ducks or the ‘Canes, we’ll certainly have something to look forward to.

Has anyone forgotten the NHL’s post-lockout year “Warrior” spots? The first TV commercial opened with a quote from Chinese general Sun Tzu before showing a bare-chested hockey hero, his head bowed in quiet contemplation, in a locker room surrounded with burning candles. Not a bad idea, since those of us who still play the game know how biologically toxic locker rooms in general and hockey equipment in particular can reek.

Despite his Eau de WinnWell Cologne, from the shadows, a female companion emerges in a push-up bra and open robe.

“Ready?” she purrs into the player’s ear, as she drapes his shoulder pads and red NHL jersey over his head. “It’s time.”

Before he can brandish his Sherwood, however, we see a rapid montage of faux action and fan images, including that of a demonic-looking child pulled straight from the British sci-fi classic, Village of the Dammed.

Time for what?

Then there were last year’s commercials, launched under the creatively challenged rubric, “Game On!” which put NHL stars in incongruous situations. Sidney Crosby standing in full uniform in the shower. San Jose Shark Jonathan Cheechoo, paddling out on a surfboard alongside two surfers waiting for the next wave…a shark in the water…Get it? And, doubly unexpected, a helmetless Peter Forsberg discovered reclining in bed with a woman whose husband might actually thank him for the cuckolding.

Go back and check it out on YouTube and you’ll see what I mean.

Part of the responsibility for these campaigns lay with the agencies behind them. “Warrior” was the brainchild of Conductor, an LA-based agency, which has created ads for Hollywood blockbusters such as Spider-Man 2. While Mother/New York created “Game On!”, throwing the director of the recent indie hit flare, Thank You For Smoking, (an effective, but not the most visually remarkable, satire) at the task, as is consistent with the common wisdom of most agency creative-think.

Hey Butch, Who Are Those Guys, Anyway?

But among the real decision-makers here are NHL creative director, Kathy Drew, and her marketing guru boss, NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman. Alright, so maybe Gary consults with pals Jimmy and Ray, (seen here), for the really important decisions.

I had the distinct (and distinctly measured) pleasure of a phone conversation with Ms. Drew two years ago, when I was seeking information related to a video production I was pitching to an NHL franchise. When the discussion wound its way to the recent television ad campaign, (at that time the “Warrior” series that had been so roundly criticized), it was apparent Kathy was completely enamored of her children.

I admired the ads for their boldness, and told her as much. What I didn’t share, of course, is that abstract artist Chris Ofili’s work, which hung in an exhibit in the Brooklyn Museum of Art not too long ago, and depicted a biblical icon surrounded by lacquered elephant dung, was also bold, but equally full of sh%t.

When we spoke briefly of NHL.com, and I began to tell her about a recent advance in streaming video technology that enabled cross-platform, full-screen, buffer free and broadcast quality images, Kathy said the NHL legal department forbid her from hearing any such talk without securing the necessary releases, and that their initiatives were mapped out for the coming year anyway.

Kathy, baby, even the nice folks I’ve met that work with Harvey Weinstein are allowed to open their ears to discussion or suggestions that might aid their cause. That’s part of what keeps them ahead of the curve. And in a butterfly effect, karmic way, what allows you to go on thinking you’re brilliant to let your ad agency jam the wrong Indie film director down your throat – to say nothing of message, tone or voice – for a television commercial campaign with no legs.

Today, NHL.com still uses the same fuzzy, clunky video player it did three years ago, when everyday another company launches, or upgrades, a superior streaming video product (Brightcove, ReelTime, Joost, Limelight, and Vividas –you’re welcome, Fran & Iain – among them).

Forget Your Congressman, Write The Commissioner

But broadcast quality online video and television commercial campaigns that truly capture the spirit, dynamics, passion and drama of the game are not yet what the corporate offices of the NHL are all about (1251 Avenue of The Americas, New York, NY 10020 Phone: (212) 789-2000 Fax: (212) 789-2080 – if you’d like to write, call or fax them to ask just what they are about).

This is the league, remember, that sells broadcast rights to NBC for zero dollars so that it can cut away from overtime of Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals to cover the pre-race dung dribbling from the asses of thoroughbreds as they stroll around the track an hour before post time.

‘Blessed are ye, Versus, that thou do not abandon me, in my hour of need.’

It’s old news worth repeating that last year’s Stanley Cup finals drew a television audience of just 485,000 households through two games –a 20 percent drop from last year.

Bear in mind, my passion for the game of hockey far exceeds my expertise, but this much I know is true… If my job was marketing a product – let’s say for the sake of illustration, Kathy and Gary, that the product I was marketing was cow dung. And after making the strategic decision to give the cow dung away, I actually distributed 20 percent less cow dung to consumers than the year previous. I’m not too confident I would have the job of cow dung marketer for very much longer.

You Tell Me…

North-South, East-West, the Rangers City Skaters brought their unique style of play to the Garden every night.

Come on, admit it. You miss them, too…

Sean Avery, Vindicated and $600K Richer

The New York Rangers resolved their salary arbitration with Sean Avery today, agreeing to pay the season-saving catalyst $1.9 million for the coming year. The Rangers organization had initially low-balled Avery, offering him $1.3M, while dusting him up in its brief with devaluing, if not demeaning language.